Friday, November 04, 2011
This rainy morning
This gloomy morning, I find myself clicking on youtube and listening to Next to Normal's How could I ever Forget. I was supposed to read some transportation law codal but instead I found myself hitting the replay button around 5 times listening to the song.
Let me backtrack a bit. Some weeks ago, during the halfway of the most recent finals exam week I've gone through, I decided to watch Next to Normal with Tin after the exams. I already watched it earlier this year but it was an easy decision. I really wanted to watch it. I remembered telling Ger that some parts made me teary eyed. Watching it first time, in some parts, I could have bawled and wept but didn't.
Ger asked me what about that play could have possibly been related to my life that could make me cry and watch it again. In thought, I scratch merely a surface and said that it was probably Natalie's feeling of dislocation from her family. I said I got that being mostly away and all. Instinct told me there was some relation but that wasn't it. But it was an answer so I stuck to that.
The night of the play, during the intermission, Tin and I were talking in the smoking area. We were standing near empty benches. She said the play did stir her to feeling some sadness. I told her the second act was more of a tearjerker. She asked me the same thing Ger asked, what about the play attracted me. At that time, finals were already over and I was able to think more clearly and i was able to remember a moment where I sat myself down and blogged about him. My kuya whom I never met.
I'm copy pasting this from a previous post:
Last night, in between page 126 and 127 of my psychology book, I started wondering about him. What happened? Did he die inside? Did he lose his breath during delivery? Did the sudden change of environment, the appearance of light shocked him into wilt? Was he premature also? Did he even cry? I don't know. I never did ask about him. Figured it might hurt mom and all. I don't know his real name but I call him Angel. Come to think of it, I don't know his birthday because I'm not sure if he were ever born breathing. Imagine that. Dying before birth.
Tin motioned for me to sit down. She thought probably that I felt sad. Only to some extent. Not even enough to seek a chair but I sat down. She asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said there really is nothing to talk about. I meant it.
I realized I did not remember him this past Nov 1 and 2. It's Nov 4 now. Sorry kuya if I'm a little late.
I'm asking myself if it is abnormal for me to feel sad for someone I don't know. Or am I just being so overly dramatic? No. Probably not. The sadness, if it is right to call it that (maybe it's more of a seldom remembering), springs from the question what if he lived? He'd probably be 27 or 28 now. I still don't know his birthday but then I realize, he doesn't really have one.
Time to end this post now. I'll start fixing myself for today. For this rainy day.
How could I ever forget?
Outside the morning was cool and wet...
...They said too wait
They never said we were too late...
...Those weeks full of joy, then a moment of dread
Someone simply said, your child is...
-How could I ever Forget (Sung by Diana)
Next to Normal
So this song reminds me of him. It reminds me that I missed him. Not because I knew him but simply because, literally, I missed him.
Julianne blogged at 8:22 AM
